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< this is a ballad for the good times | posted at 8:53 am on October 21, 2003 > just lodged that tax return, soon, my pretties, soon $1,060.62 will be deposited into my account. yes, i've finally reaped the rewards of a hefty tax refund from getting taxed almost 48% last year on my second job.i had another selfish rant again yesterday. i mean, my friend who is going through a lot of trouble at the moment is quite upset. and i don't know quite what to do about it. and i said yesterday, to another friend, that my distressed friend never talks to me about anything. about ANYTHING. nothing about her family problems, nothing about her personal problems, and she used to, or i used to, or maybe she didn't, i can't remember. but she talks to everyone else about them, but she never talks to me about them. and it hurts - but i have completely understand that it's her personal stuff and you don't choose who you tell, half the time. it's right place right time stuff. but it just makes me feel like a) i'm not there for her and b) that she doesn't consider me that close a friend. maybe she looks at me and thinks 'why can't my family be like that? why do i have to put up with the shit?' - because she puts up with a whole lot of shit - and my family loves each other. my parents love each other, and out of the people i know, that's a minority. maybe because my family loves each other she doesn't think i'd understand - and she's right, i wouldn't. i couldn't possibly. but i desperately want to be the one on the other end of the phone, just once, even, trying to understand, feeling awkward because there's nothing i can say, feeling upset for her. but i never am. and it's so selfish to want to be that person because it's her personal life. maybe she thinks that because i don't tell anyone any of my shit that i don't want to hear it. or maybe she's offended that i don't tell her my shit and won't tell me hers. or she doesn't want the friendship to be one-sided, or anything. but god. i just hate talking about that crap with people, about me, i mean. i can't talk about it. maybe because i can't talk about it with her, she doesn't want to burden me... oh. so selfish of me. on other notes: saw kill bill on sunday with friends, got another free dvd yesterday through persistence, am getting annoyed at my boss and keeping it under my belt because she's just stressed at the moment, today i am meant to be watching a dogme 95 film by thomas vinterberg but i am going to skip it even though i really want to see it (i think subconsciously i enjoy paying HECS fees to skip class every day), got quite annoyed at my friend in america because i was insomniac at 3am the other day and messaged her to talk (and it wasn't a good message as i always get depressed when i get insomnia), and she didn't even reply. sure, ok, she couldn't talk, but it was 1pm over there and i was feeling really down. $0.25AUD for god's sake. as for feeling down, yeah, it's here again. thought it would have passed by now, but no. mm. those last five |