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< the sky is falling | posted at 12:22 am on June 30, 2004 > I have a flatmate who is not very much like me. I would have said less intelligent, but I don't think so, I guess just less intelligent in the way I think of things - which doesn't make her less intelligent at all. I would've said she was less mature than me, but in many ways she is more mature than me. Hmm... well I read part of her blog today, and decided to read back a year and see if I was like her at her age (18). Flighty and immature and liking crap stuff and being not into intellectual stuff and art and real music and real writing and things like that. I wanted to see if I was like her at 18, I wanted to see if I had matured or not. You can never tell. As far as you think, you think you're like this at 14, when in reality, I liked the TV show Friends at 14.Not that there's anything wrong with that. Anyway, so I read back... and contrary to my expectations, at 18 I was smarter, more articulate, more in tune with my emotions, compassions, ambitions, paths in life, ideals, career aspirations, life aspirations. And here I am, struggling to put down in words how I feel a year later, struggling to understand who it is I want to be and where I want to be and if I even do just want to BE. Or if I want to pull a Jason Donovan and drive the fucking car off the fucking road, derail myself and reach the clarity post-derailment I hear so much about. Or am I already there, and it only FEELS more clear because you've been drugfucked or totally irresponsible or both for that period of time? I feel I could become addicted to drugs if I had a) more access without suspicion and b) more money. I think I'm that kind of person. I love pills. So where did it all go... here I was hoping I was just like my flatmate (who likes RnB and fluffy stuff) at 18 and I had come all this way into this late adolescent angst. But it seems I've gone backwards. Huh. those last five |