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< the ship entry | posted at 4:58 pm on December 02, 2004 > it�s amazing the types of things you do that you can justify to yourself. he said he loved me again � in an sms � and i ignored it. i replied, but i didn�t acknowledge it. and then he said it again � to my face � and i told him i loved him too. but i don�t, and i was just caught, and i couldn�t break his heart. but this is so much worse than telling him straight out that no, i don�t love him, not yet, and that he is jumping the gun. and suddenly this is all intensified and it was way too intense for my liking in the first place. so i have shot myself in the foot, because i am a coward. and i�m being unfair, and disrespectful, by doing it, but i can�t have the talk with him, i just can't. so i think we will have to just go with the flow. but sometimes when i�m with him i think that i do love him, but i just don�t know. it�s too soon. i didn�t even want a relationship and now i have been thrust into it. he muttered �love you� - this was the third time he said it, and i hadn�t responded the previous two times. so i said, �love you too�. what else was i supposed to do? then he said, �i do, you know. i do.� like he somehow realised that i didn�t fully mean it. what was it, my inflection? the fact that i hadn�t said it before? his sister got much too drunk and told me how much better i was than his ex-girlfriend, much to my chagrin. it was awkward. but then she got emotional and started crying about how much she liked me. how good i am for him. how much nicer and less clingy and generally better i am than his ex. meanwhile, wednesday night fellow (�Joe�) has not yet rescheduled his raincheck, thereby prompting me to believe that by �raincheck� he meant �reject�. oh well. see? i mustn�t love the boy upstairs, if i am thinking about other people. but now i just don�t know what i�m going to do with myself. i just wish i did love him, that would be so much easier. and i would be so happy.those last five |