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< the past recedes | posted at 6:07 pm on March 22, 2005 > Wow! I can add an entry! have been trying all day to no avail...Update: � Wedding was nice, small and cosy, in a small private garden in the botanic gardens. There were only about 15 people there. They had a small celebrant ceremony, after which I felt a little sick and lightheaded. The celebrant is saying 'You may now kiss the bride' and I'm feeling strange... then suddenly my eyes cloud up and I can't see, once again I've gone blind. At this point I'm thinking surprisingly logically - I've realised I'm unsteady, slightly nauseated and totally blind, so my thoughts are initially 'Where is the nearest seat?' - then I visualise it being very far away... then I think 'Can I sit on the ground?' - then I realise 'No, you'll look like a fool and it's entirely inappropriate', then I think 'Ok Sarah, you can't see. If you try and take a step towards the very far away chairs you will fall down. So just stand still, don't try and move anywhere, I'm sure your eyesight will return soon.' So I'm just standing there, trying this tactic for about 30 seconds, then someone bumps past me and I start losing my precarious balance, then I hear the best man say 'Are you ok?' and I think 'The jig's up!' and say 'Uh... no.' At this point I don't remember anything. Apparently I fell backwards but Andrew caught me before I hit the ground and carried me to a spot in the shade, when I woke up. Very embarrassing and I felt awful to have all that attention on someone else's wedding day... just awful. Gah! So embarrassing. � Went to doctor and got blood test and ECG heart graph - after analysis my blood is ok but my heartbeat is irregular - so referred to cardiologist, now I've got more tests to go to on Thursday morning... gah. � Worked at another magazine on Sunday, which was good... just a freelance day... but I think it could get me work on some very big magazines in the future which is always a plus � Am constantly (every day) fighting the paranoia monster in regards to Andrew, which stems from my inability to recognise why he's with me, which stems from a low self-esteem I never knew I had and still don't understand... and it is actually killing me. I'm resorting to things I never thought I'd do. Such as look at his phone while he's in the bathroom, etc. I know. It's awful. And it's destructive. But I can't fucking stop it and I swing every day from being secure in my relationship to being ready to kill myself. This must stop. It must all stop. � Everything is mutable. Nothing changes. those last five |