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< mere | posted at 4:38 pm on April 19, 2005 > I feel like I�ve become one of those people who have ended up somewhere that they didn�t think they would, but have just reconciled themselves to that. And it�s quite stupid, being like that at 20 years old, because I have so much time and opportunity to change that, and I shouldn�t be so concrete and insecure about where I�m going to end up. I feel like sitting around at this magazine and going to uni one day a week where I don�t listen or contribute � just doodle in my sketch book incessantly � isn�t getting me anywhere and isn�t growing me anymore. This job isn�t growing me, so I have to grow elsewhere. So. I. Am. Going. To. Shake. Things. Up.I�m going to learn thoroughly all the computer programs that I�m meant to know thoroughly already but only really know kinda-sorta-ish, I�m going to develop my portfolio, I�m going to take more photos, I�m going to enter competitions, apply for funding, write stories or films or bits and pieces, I�m going to expand the repertoire of work I�m doing. I�m going to practise piano, I�m going to read more books, I�m going to stretch myself. I don�t think you should ever stop stretching yourself and I think that�s what I�ve done. And I feel stagnant and unreal because of it. I think I should be happy, but I�m not really. Maybe it�s just hormones. I have so much of what I could want or expect out of my current life, and still, it all seems like some level playing field where everything I do feels the same. Like I�m on some sort of levelling out drug; anything overly sad gets bumped up, anything overly happy gets bumped down, like there is some sort of command centre in my brain saying �Less of this, more of that�. Hmmm. Blah. Andrew is meeting my parents on Saturday. We�re going out to dinner. I wonder how it�ll go. When I first told my mother about him, she said �He�s too old and too tall. Dump him.� (Sure, it was a joke, but I know they�re not happy about the age gap, as small as it seems to me). Well, only time will tell. Then we are going to spend a night in a hotel on Sunday night (if we get our act together and book it). Originally we were going to Melbourne for the whole long weekend... then we thought we�d drive to the Blue Mountains and stay one night there... then we thought there was nothing around and that we could just spend a night in a nice Sydney hotel... I have a feeling that we�re just going to end up at his house watching DVDs and ordering Thai in again. Ahh, whatever. Oh yeah. I�m meeting Nick for coffee on Thursday. He�s finally speaking to me again. Hmm. those last five |