< how good can it be | posted at 11:46 am on April 26, 2005 >
Dear Diary,
happy long weekend... oh wait, it's over.
this weekend:
friday: bought a medium format camera on eBay for $150. it's old and 70s, but a very exciting purchase nonetheless. spent all day at work doing my flash assignment. ate thai for dinner.
saturday: played with andrew in the morning, then bought birthday present for my friend. nick asked if he could visit and get some music from me. i said sure, visit anytime. he comes down, i load the music, we talk about it. he comments that i've stripped my wall of photos. i said yes, i was getting bored of it. before he had visited i took down the drawing he did of me while we were going out and hid it in a drawer. i didn't want him thinking anything of the fact that it was the last thing still on that wall. i drink some water and he says suddenly. 'you're seeing someone now, aren't you?' i say yes, guiltily. he looks sad. he says he thought so. he thanks me for the music and leaves. later that night i go to dinner with my parents and andrew. andrew wears his suit jacket and is very polite and nice. makes an effort. it is still a very strange and uneasy atmosphere. i vow to myself that i am not going to recreate said atmosphere again anytime soon. it is uneasy because i have made plans to go away with andrew the next day and my parents are trying to make me go home - and i have to sit there and lie to them in front of him. not. pleasant.
sunday: andrew picks me up at 10.30 in the morning and we drive up to the blue mountains. he puts on his music - which is very much not my taste - and i leave my frusciante cds in the glove box until later when i force him to rock out with me. we drive and then have lunch at a small cafe overlooking the mountains and then check in and then go for a bushwalk. then a few beers - and a chat to an immensely intelligent three year old girl who comes up and plays with us by the fireplace. room service for dinner because we end up missing the buffet.
monday: we sleep in and miss breakfast, so we check out, go to katoomba and ride the train, walk through a bit, then back up on the cable car, then to the norman lindsay gallery, then home time.
lately have been thinking about our relationship (again). i feel really strange because i can't see how he could be totally extricated from the grips of his ex, having been together for five years. i feel weird about it. i'm just feeling like i am a little (awful word) rebound. gah. but ... it's totally beyond my control. it's totally beyond my control. it's totally beyond my control.
and then there is his flatmate's exgirlfriend who i was suspicious of - she kept messaging him and inviting him out - plus he mentioned to me once that he thought she was putting on some moves... but i think he's put her in her place. judging from the latest messages in his phone (shh! I know! it's bad! i've stopped now!): 1. Belinda* why do you ask me that again...? 2. what difference does it make what i think of you? 3. i guess i thought telling you i felt for someone would negate the need to tell you what i think of you 4. Belinda you are a cool person and a nice friend to have but i'm really into sarah ok?
then again, i am going back to his home country with him in september, so I guess I can't be too rebound.
Love from, Me
* name has been changed to protect privacy