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< the will to death | posted at 9:23 am on January 25, 2005 > morning, kids.nick gets back today and i am dreading having a walk with him and telling him that it's totally over, because i think i might be falling in l**e with someone else. because i still care for him so much and because i hate hurting people, i've never done it like this before and i wasn't prepared for how much it hurts myself. and i guess that's why when i broke up with nick before i didn't do it really properly, because i didn't want to tell him a categorical no because it would have broken his heart. but now i realise, that's the only way to let him move on - you have to hurt him now, but he'll get over it, and he'll move on. but if you don't, then he won't, and he won't, and he'll be hurt more and for longer. so sometime this week i have to go for a walk with him. possibly tonight. which... i don't know about... i don't know if i'm ready yet. but when i think of andrew (door B) i get euphoric, nothing else matters much, and i miss him the moment we part company. isn't that strange? but our relationship is somewhat ambiguous at the moment... i'm not sure if we are going out, or if we aren't - and i'm quite happy at the moment to leave it that way. i do wish i could see him more often though - he works a lot, i work a lot, and then we have social engagements (and neither of us, it seems, feels comfortable bringing the other along to them yet). the other night i accidentally messaged him with something that was meant to go to a friend. yes, it was embarrassing. yes, it was 'i'm going to meet him! yay! have to get out of my pyjamas though...' (cringe). but apparently he never got it, and anyway, that night was such a debacle that he ended up picking me up in my pyjamas and taking me back to his house just to sleep in his bed. that was sweet. as for work, i'm going to be a contractor and go part time in about a month (and take a small pay cut - so essentially, a little less money for a lot less time, therefore a lot more money per minute i spend here). which is a good thing. i can pursue other interests, etc. that will be nice. that's it, really. those last five |