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< another episode | posted at 10:13 pm on January 30, 2005 > It seems every time I update this thing there is too much to write about. So. this past week, i saw andrew twice, once on tuesday night - had drink with him and his friends, then had dinner, then stayed over. spent the morning of australia day doing nothing much at all... had breakfast, then i went to a friend's bbq and he went to a friend's pool.on thursday night i saw nick. it was weird and awkward because it always starts out like we are friends, not awkward at all, just totally happy catching up with each other - we get along so easily - and then when it starts getting to the couple talk, that's when it gets strange. because i feel like he is just constantly waiting for me to say 'Let's get back together' - and it just - well - i just can't do that yet. Maybe, sometime, down the track... but this time, he said he couldn't do it anymore, that he'd been waiting for me even though I hadn't asked and that he knew I didn't want him to, that he had hoped the email he sent me would make me come back (my 'perfect love note to get you back' he called it), and that while he still wanted to be friends we couldn't contact each other at all for the time being because he still loved me and he couldn't be friends with me while he still loved me. so the end plan was no contact till he felt all right about being friends. and then as he was going to leave, we hugged goodbye, which turned into a kiss, which turned into... bad stuff. and i say bad because i didn't want to, but then i did, but then i didn't, and suddenly it was the worst night of my life and i was sobbing hysterically two minutes into it and we had to stop. not because i am andrew's girlfriend - I'm not that yet, though most of me really wants to be now - but because i didn't love nick and it was bad what i was doing for him and i just felt awful because i think i'm falling in love with andrew. and so i was crying, because i have no lines, lines that are ever 'crossed' because there are no lines. that while i was doing all these things i knew it was bad for nick and i knew it was bad for me and i knew that while i wasn't andrew's girlfriend he probably wouldn't like the fact that it was happening. and while i ask that nobody judges me, i can't ask that, because i'm judging myself, and i just feel... well... terrible. and i promised myself that this diary was going to be no holds barred - so it isn't - but the fact that i feel so shameful in front of all your invisible faces has to say something about my actions, doesn't it? oh well. please don't judge me. and then on friday night i went to a party at andrew's workplace - the company he part owns - and drank too much and had to sleep on his couch. oh yeah - and spewed in the bathroom there. i'm a classy girl, can't you tell? and i'm there, drunk as hell, waiting for him to get angry, him taking care of me, me thinking he was going to drop me like a hot potato, being the closest i have ever been to saying 'thank you, i love you'. i remember having to physically restrain myself from saying it. i remember being oh so very worried he was going to tell me to piss off. but we walked back to his place and went to sleep there, and slept like logs till midday. then - and here is the bit i need advice on - his ex girlfriend called. and he said 'sorry, i need to take this, it's my ex... she's leaving for overseas for a year today.' (so it is fair enough that he is going to take the call). but after he gets off the phone, he is acting all weird, and then i ask if he is ok, and he says no. not because he still loves her, he explains, but because he thinks he handled the breakup badly, that he wasn't sensitive enough to her (he broke it off), that he maybe should have gone to her going-away party the night before instead of the other party. and considering he was with her for five years, and only broke up with her last september, you can see how this makes me just a little bit wary and insecure about the whole thing. we then went to his work, talked about it, i said he could go to the airport and say goodbye. we cleaned up the party, he was considering it, and when my friend picked me up from his office, he was pretty sure he was going to go. and so now i am thinking that he might need his space and not want to see me anymore. which i would understand, and which there is nothing i can do to change... and then i hadn't heard anything from him this afternoon, and while i was trying to give him some space, i broke and messaged him to tell him good luck for work, and he replied asking me if i wanted to go over to his house tonight. i said i couldn't (i couldn't), but would tomorrow night be ok? sure, he says. so tomorrow might be the night it all comes falling down. i don't know. maybe not. maybe i'm being paranoid. but i just can't see how someone can come out of a five year relationship, and want to start a new one three months later. well, not seriously, at least... what do you all think? god. each week is a rollercoaster here in the house of sarah. those last five |