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< insomniac | posted at 9:41 am on January 06, 2005 > it's been much too long sicne i've been here, but internet has been cut off at the apartment and so for a month or so i've been updating at work... and it's deadline week, so that explains it all.we are going pretty well on deadline, so i thought i might stop by. i haven't been able to sleep lately. it's awful. i keep tossing and turning and twisting, both literally and metaphorically. i can't seem to get comfortable and i can't stop thinking about what i'm going to do about these boys and what i'm going to do about the fact that my period is now five days late. this (the latter) worries me immensely. i am going to wait till sunday (a week) before i get really worried and take a trip to the chemist. but i just don't need any more problems at the moment, and that would be a big one. tomorrow night i'm seeing Door B for dinner. lately i've been leaning towards choosing him - only because, well, i'm young, and i'm allowed to make mistakes. and that could be one, but it might not be. though i have this strange feeling that it's all some sort of cosmic test. there is, on one hand, someone who i would not really consider a long-term option on paper, but in practice he is turning out to be amazing. and then on the other hand there is someone whose on-paper status is pretty much all i've dreamed about and wanted for so long. i feel like in practice this dream package is going to unravel into something totally unlike what i wanted, that the package is all a lie, and that the whole thing was this supernatural examination of my personality and accountability. and then this all ends up being some sort of stupid immature existential depression. it is all these things that keep me up at night. today i'm going to get money out of my savings and donate to the tsunami fund. my existential depressions mean nothing in the face of total unmitigated disaster. i can't turn on the tv without crying. those last five |