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< seven levels of hell | posted at 6:13 pm on January 09, 2005 > i broke up with my boyfriend yesterday.there was a lot of crying. i'd cheated on him the night before. right now i feel like the lowliest form of life on the planet. he said that if i realised i'd made a huge mistake, just to come back, and we would make it work. he said that he still loved me and he didn't hate me and he could never hate me and of course that just made everything worse. i said i wished he'd just get angry and kick me out. he said he could never hate me, he wasn't angry, he just felt so hurt. i said i loved him. because now i realise that i do, i'm just an horrible commitmentphobe. but i can't stay with him because that would be so incredibly unfair. i don't deserve him, and he doesn't deserve someone who is as terrible and awful to him as i am. and he loves me more than i love him. it's the truth. and then he said he was glad i was honest but i wasn't even fully honest, i didn't even tell him everything, and that hurts me so much, but i couldn't, because he would have just died. but maybe i should, because maybe that way he would hate me, even though he thinks that he can't, he would, and then that would be easier for both of us. but for some reason i just couldn't hurt him that much and i couldn't handle it if he hated me. i am such a selfish, selfish person. it would be the best thing for us if i told him everything, but i just can't. he told me to 'do what [i] need to do' and then come back. i don't think i can do that because it would be so wrong of me to come back. you can't cheat on then break up with the nicest person to ever walk the face of the planet, dally with someone else, and then come back. it's awful, just awful. i can't stop crying, but it's not about me, it's about him. i'm the villain, the culprit. the femme fatale, the bitch. this feels like a bad daytime soap opera. and in the middle of it all i still really like this second guy and that is making me implode with guilt and pain and self-loathing. three months ago noone but my immediate family and friends loved me. no males were interested in me. and now i've broken a heart, and i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. those last five |