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< let the bells ring | posted at 6:10 pm on May 18, 2005 > this morning i was in a particularly foul mood, i think because i didn�t get a very good sleep last night, also i have a quasi-period and quasi-period pain, and well, i don�t know, i just am. for instance this morning i was irrationally angry at andrew. not angry, i suppose, but annoyed, but for absolutely no reason at all. he was actually quite sweet and lovely. but i felt so irritable.in other news, yesterday i did the most fantastic reverse park, at night, in the rain, with two four-wheel-drives waiting behind me, on the right side of a narrow one-way street. today i am wearing a beautiful brown silk jacket today, thanks to andrew who brought it back from LA for me. It�s raining outside, winter really has begun. we had indian food for dinner last night. he is in a magazine and i bought it today, he looks very cute. i feel pathetic. i want to escape. you get a free calendar in upcoming issue of our magazine. we bought two lamps today for the office. my heart hurts. none of my friends asked me to do a speech at their 21st. i�m not in the top two of friends of any of my friends. i�m noone�s best friend. this means i am not close to anyone? that�s what it would suggest. but i think i�m close to people. of all the people i know, they�ve done at least one speech for someone at their 21st, but not me. this bothers me in an annoying way where i am annoyed that it annoys me, because it�s so petty, but i guess it bothers me because i feel like it reflects on something else. like it reflects on how close i am to people. and that, i suppose, bothers me. maybe it only bothers me because i�m so fucking irritable at the moment. but if you knew me, you wouldn�t know it for anything. digression: so why wouldn�t you? why do i internalise everything, why can�t i let people know how i�m really feeling or what i really want? ever? could that be why i�m never asked to do a speech at a 21st? i can�t be fucked to discuss this again. i�ve done it millions of times before and it doesn�t lead anywhere. it doesn�t lead to any solution, i just do what i do. and i�m so unhappy about it. but then why don�t i change things? because i�m just a coward, as well. i�m cold, and hungry. Oh let the bells ring / He is the real thing those last five |