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< don't read this one, it's just like all the rest of them | posted at 3:32 pm on May 20, 2005 > i'm reading the unbearable lightness of being. i would write some quotes in, ones which i think are beautiful, ones which apply to me, or which apply to everyone, but i couldn't. every single word is beautiful in that book. there is no extrication of something that stands out, because the whole thing does. and it makes me sad.yesterday i was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. i couldn't sleep. andrew is tired but opens his eyes momentarily, and says 'what are you looking at?' i reply, 'nothing,' he says 'what are you thinking about?' i reply, 'you.' i was thinking about how i still can't tell him i love him and how silly it is. i was thinking about how much i do love him. and then i was thinking about how he probably doesn't love me. or maybe he does and he's waiting for me. maybe he didn't hear it when i told him because i'm still not sure if he was awake or asleep. maybe he did hear it and ignored it. and then i was thinking about how much of a loser i was. then i had a nightmare and woke up, then i had a strange dream. whatever. whatever whatever. this calendar i'm designing is driving me nuts. i have to go to the cover shoot tonight. that sucks. my legs feel like deadweights. i feel uncomfortable. my legs feel uncomfortable at night and i can't sleep because they are so deadweight-like and i thrash around and that annoys me. i skipped the sugar pills and got my period anyway. my body feels so knotted up and tired, the muscles in my shoulders are so stiff. all my joints crack every time i move. i've lost almost all my appetite. i eat once a day, maybe once and a small snack now. this is annoying and strange. i think it adds to my lethargy. i feel stupid. those last five |