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< i'm gunna steady myself on a reliable friend | posted at 10:47 pm on July 09, 2003 > i got checked on the train for a ticket today, which is common practice nowadays, however the inspector didn't check everyone which i think is discrimination - just 'cause i look like a bum doesn't mean i am one!old acquaintance called... and my plans of 'how are you? good? cool. how's your girlfriend? good?' and rock-jobbing him went out the window. instead i seem to have inadvertantly bared a portion of my soul. damn this. i'm going to regret that - like i did on thursday. in all honesty i believe it's ok to be friends with him... on second thoughts, every time i remember that he was with that other girl (remember, extremely ugly, grade below me, blah?), i shudder - consider that reconsidered. but truly. i think i must still like him a little then, right? forty minutes - him paying for a mobile phone call - i know this as he called on his land line - yeah whatever. resolve to not be affected. woop. i can build walls, bridges, barriers. i will not be sucked in again. i will never be sucked in again. he didn't ask me out - no surprises there. but did ask permission to call again which i gave. however, i do think he realises that by now i should know that he has a girlfriend. i was itching to mention it... but i'm a wimp and a coward and obviously still sucked in (wait, contradiction - didn't i just say something about walls and barriers? ahhfuckit). the conversation turned morose again as the other night's conversation did... and again i thought perhaps here is someone as big a hypocrite as i am - with the mutual hate of 'vacuous stylers' and yet still delight in label clothes, who hate the mainstream but are part of the mainstream. grargh. stop. no more. ended it all off with 'i'll let you go', which is, we all know, the standard 'i want to get off this phone but in the most polite way possible', but he actually did it to go play computer golf with his little brother which i find (despite my misgivings) kinda cute. and it took willpower not to say so. i said STOP! NO MORE! no, no, this is going nowhere. i will not be sucked in. walls. barriers. et cetera ('and the rest') --- itallduzzenmadderanyway. those last five |