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< year of the rooster | posted at 11:15 pm on February 12, 2005 > I never thought I'd become one of those girls who got paranoid about their boyfriend leaving them, but I have. I feel like every time he takes more than an hour to reply to an sms - or if i don't get an 'x' at the end of it - that it's all over, that he's come to his senses and he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore and he doesn't even know why he was with me in the first place.which is all my problem, I know, I should stop stressing and just go with it - but it's so hard not to think these things when you think the person you're with is so totally and completely out of your league. I have no idea what he sees in me - I'm just a 20 year old student, with only vague ideas about what I want to do in the future, say stupid things a lot, and am very boring a lot of the time. And he is such a talented designer who is such an artist with such a future and is so ahead of me in his journey. And I suppose that is also just a side effect of him being seven years my senior. But I just look at him and think that he could do so much better than me and so I keep worrying that he's figured that out. Monday is Valentine's Day (how could you not know, with stuff slammed in your face every other day) and we don't have anything planned. I don't have anything for him - am I meant to? Maybe a card. But I just don't buy into that whole thing anyway... Otherwise everything seems to be in order. Except my increased worry about my future and what I'm going to do with my life. My father asked me today what my 'career plan' was - truth is, I don't really have one - and coupled with the fact that I'm going to be going part time this year and therefore taking a pay cut, and the fact that Andrew is so well settled (you can't help but re-examine your own life when you are with someone who has it all figured out), and that I'll be graduating this year so I have to figure out how I'm really going to start becoming what I want to be... it's all a bit much. Happy Asian New Year, by the way. those last five |