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< swollen like a lexicon | posted at 4:59 pm on March 02, 2004 > i wrote this on my new computer last night. didn�t have the internet, so couldn�t upload it. but here it is.I am sitting here, reeling. I am completely, utterly, shellshocked. let me explain. so yesterday night i stayed at home, and got back to my apartment this arvo at about 4pm. my friend, let's call him jack, though his name's not jack, had called at about 12 when i was visiting my grandparents, so i called him back. ok. i guess we need some history on 'jack'. back in first year, when i first met jack, i thought he was a bit of all right. that quickly faded as we became really, really good friends. and we still are - great friends. really close friends. anyway. the other night, we both got really drunk and i thought that maybe i still felt a little something for him. and then i thought, maybe he feels a little something for me. he calls a lot, we see each other a lot, we talk a lot. and we are extremely comfortable with each other. we are great friends. so i thought, maybe i feel a little more than that. (by the way - that was the root of the 'insanity' comment yesterday, because we were such good friends, i really thought i was going completely INSANE thinking the things i was). so i called him back today, and he came over to see my new place. (i'd had lunch with him twice in the past week and spent a whole lot of time on the phone with him the other days as well. i was pretty sure, at this point, that something was going to happen soon). anyway. so he comes over, we sit talking in my room for ages. his friend calls, i hear 'are you going to tell her?' and he says 'yeah, i think i'm about to.' and the reply was 'today?!?' and then inaudible inaudible... so i'm thinking... here it comes... about two minutes later, he asks me to turn off the tv, he wants to talk about something serious now. ok, i turn it off. so he ums and aahs a bit... then he goes 'have you got any idea what i'm about to say?' and i've gone 'i think so, maybe'. he ums and aahs a bit more, says 'ok! I'm just going to say it!' pause, then 'I... am... gay.' yeah. you can imagine my reaction. so i say, 'are you serious?', only because he has a big grin on his face. he says 'yes.' and i stutter and fumble and say 'uh, um, how long have you known?' so then we talk for ages and ages... all night, till he has to go home at about 10, after which i stop in at girl-on-the-roof's apartment to watch a little bollywood movie (incidentally on sbs! so when i walk into her apartment and say 'oh! a shah rukh movie!' she thinks i'm completely insane... anyway... i didn't think things like this happened in real life! it was such a crappy comedy movie moment! i thought he was going to ask me out... and i was prepared to say yes. and he's gone, 'is that what you thought i was going to say?' and i said 'uh, no.' and he's gone 'did you think i had a crush on you and was going to ask you out? 'cause that's what karen thought!' and i've gone 'actually, that is what i thought!' and he says 'you would have barred me completely, wouldn't you have? i'm not good enough for you, am i?' i couldn't bear to tell him that i would have said yes for sure. i just left it... i told him, i could've said yes, i could've said no, but you'll never know now. so i ask him if he's ever kissed a girl or a guy. and he said no. then something harked back to whether or not i would've gone out with him, so i offered to kiss him. and then, we did. just a peck on the lips. it was hilarious. after that revelation, it all seemed so wrong - to both of us! but then we thought, hell, it's been brought up, let's do it. and we did. so then he messaged his best friend, said 'i told sarah! then we kissed! it was all so very confusing!' anyway. there's so much more i could rave on about, but right now the focus is on the fact that... i kissed a gay man! and i liked a gay man! and i got rejected in the sense that my whole sex got rejected! and oh my god this is all too Will and Grace for my liking! i just can't believe it... just can't believe it. those last five |