|
< i'm in heaven with you | posted at 3:43 pm on August 03, 2003 > i can't remember much... but i had another anxiety attack yesterday. the last one i had was last year sometime, i can't remember, on the platform of strathfield station one night...anyway yesterday night was tara's farewell. a culmination of old school friends and her new uni friends. thinking back on it, i don't know why i found it so hard to cope, but i did, and ended up in the bathroom, in a cubicle, hyperventilating. weird. crying but not sure if anyone was able to hear me cry...? went out as i'd bumped into lian there and got her and had a few minutes in the corner, which i guess was ok. but couldn't handle all of it very well and had to retreat to the bathroom several times in the night. something's going on. i have a feeling it's just me being melodramatic, but, about what?!? it really scared me because i looked into the mirror into my own eyes and nothing struck me, i think i said something about it to a girl in there - that i didn't like looking in the mirror because i couldn't see anything in my eyes, i think i was just rambling and crazy and going insane. emily and claire thought i was on drugs, but i assured them i wasn't. something was very wrong, however. that's not normal for me. i can usually immerse myself in the superficiality of small talk and come out looking all right, but yesterday i was struggling. i didn't give a shit about what any of these people were doing with their lives. i almost wanted to die. but not then. but i did want to control it. i had these strange ideas that i wanted to control the ultimate end, wanted to know when it was happening, to make it happen - therefore resolved that when i am ready, old and accomplished and completed my ambitions and having achieved 'no mind' etc, to make it happen on my terms. these were the thoughts running through my head. don't get me wrong. i don't want to die now. i just want to control my own death when i am ready for it. those last five |